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Part II of previous post: Adrienne is not Alone

 

Below is a comment from Adrienne and is brilliantly expressed to the point that  my comments would do it a great injustice. At the end, she asks a series of questions (italics and bold emphasized by yours truly). I’m curious as to everyone’s thoughts.

In my personal experience, I had very little training or information about my own body, femininity, sexuality, relationships, fashion, makeup, hair, etc. I’ve have been more or less on my own. This in part may have been because of my family’s strict religious beliefs, but it was also because of the lack of information my mother had herself from her own mother. I was a pretty girl, but I was too uncomfortable with my own body to truly appreciate its value. Part of my discomfort with it was its shapeliness, and how, for some reason I couldn’t get away with wearing the cute yet skimpier fashions my non-black friends seemingly could, despite the fact I was slim.

It seemed to me that being a woman wasn’t going to be any fun. Just more rules of dress, appearance and behavior that didn’t equal any improvement in circumstance for me, who was already painfully shy, introverted, and isolated at the time.

The prevailing assumption is, black women are available for, and want sex more than other women. It’s okay to take advantage of them or use them sexually. There is no public backlash. There’s no such thing as a black virgin. “Dark” femininity is all about a more aggressive,exotic, devilish sensuality. Also, this availability can apparently be totally uncoupled from courtesy, tenderness, romance, and love. And many black people accept and embody this idea; even if only unawares. It’s become shameful to be a virgin. It’s weak to not be hyperagressive. Femininity is dismissed as unimportant and not for us. True confidence and self-respect is confused with phony bravado and over-the-top public displays–masking vulnerabilities/insecurities instead of dealing with them while they’re still a manageable size…

Romance, tenderness and courtesy,–we need to do everything possible to promote those things for black girls! It desperately needs to be communicated to girls that they are totally worthy of being treated like ladies, and they ought to expect it and reject anything less than this. They also need to be taught HOW to be a lady and HOW to inspire respectful behavior in other people, and WHY this has VALUE.

People live in this world of archetypes and symbols that are taken for granted, and rarely does anyone deeply examine (let alone explain) what they mean, and why they are powerful. Girls must understand why, and the answer must make sense and be inspiring.

  • Why is the girl next door archetype so appealing? What does “girl next door” even mean? Why would I want to be the girl next door, and how can I embody her?
  • What is a virgin, and what advantage, if any, is there to being one?
  • What is a lady? Why be one in this disgusting world?
  • How do you look appealing and alluring yet modest? Why is this desirable?

*My answers to these questions will be in the comments section of this post*

Let’s brainstorm. For Adrienne, and for ourselves.


Ic0n.

Posted by  |  March 4, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | 23 Comments »

Thoughts on black female virginity

“Black women have always been these vixens, these animalistic erotic women. Why can’t we just be the sexy American girl next door?” Tyra Banks

Previously, I briefly discussed the “confident” black female stereotype is synonymous with the strong one and prizes the protection of more “human” women above them. Therefore, any moment of vulnerability will escape media discussion. And guess what? Judging by the revolutionary excel in academic values from black girls, I’ll assume the “goody goody two-shoes”, the “good girl”, and the American girl next door,  is something millions of black women and girls experience, often without much support or compassion.

But what of those very vulnerable female moments that the press refuses to acknowledge for black women. Such as virginity?

The illusion of some form of “media black culture” that unifies black women blames any circumstances that prove black female vulnerability as mass hysteria, “craziness”, and a subhuman need to be addicted to drama for drama’s sake (as part of some “culture”) as a whole foe everything from domestic abuse to moments of black female insecurity and self reflection.

A good example is all the people who believe that in order to communicate with a black woman, you have to speak in a harsher tone, yell at them, and otherwise abuse them to let the black woman in question “know you mean business”. The belief is that black women are not sensitive, and therefore we cannot understand empathy. The language they/we understand is roughness. Has this assumed language affected any sex-based language that black females are assumed to understand? That we do not understand gentleness?

This is why it is important for black women, in my opinion to: 1. hold off on sex more so than other women do 2.why we MUST view black women’s bodies as necessary conversation, because so much illusions of inherent sexual promiscuity are tied into our bodies. 3. Have more intimate conversations with other black girls about “becoming a woman”, as many are going through this in isolation.

But what do you think? What were your experiences?

Posted by  |  March 1, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | 10 Comments »

“Othering” reports: How they’re not so positive, after all.

Call me a pessimist, but at first glance the below report on self-esteem seems quite positive. And generally it would be, when an effort to examine how black women feel about their bodies is all-inclusive of our humanity in equal proportions to all other women in question. But are they truly positive, when the method for forecasting self-esteem puts other women’s context at the center of the model?

The report (from Allure magazine) says:

* African-American and Hispanic women are twice as likely as Caucasian women to report not wanting to change their body in any way.

* A third of African-American women think of themselves as the most attractive person in the room.

* African-American men are directionally more likely to embrace and aspire to curviness – they say they want curvier hips and a higher/rounder butt or a larger butt.

Such studies:

- never include or ask women how they feel about complexion, over things like wrinkles.

- never account for black hetero women’s self esteem as it relates to what they will sacrifice in relationships, and the standards and treatment they will accept.

- mentions findings on things such as anorexia, but not how self-esteem deducing  it may be for a male partner to claim his preference for you, not for the beauty of your eyes, smile, facial features, and your heart, but instead, for your nipples, butt, labia, or any other erogenous zone for his personal sexual fulfillment.

- never includes how women may feel about their natural hair texture.

- never begins to examine how women with “rounder” features may feel about their lips, cheekbones, nose shape or facial profile when in the mirror.

- fail to acknowledge that reports of insecurity are severely skewed if said women learned that discussing typical female insecurities is “self-hatred” (as punishment for not conforming to the myth of super-human). Such women would, of course, report more incidents of positivity overall to avoid stigma.

-fail to account for how women without healthy outlets for such insecurities develop psychological deficits, including overeating. Acceptance of being overweight is not necessarily related to positive body image.

-etc.,

We relate to people (rather average people or celebrities) who discuss their imperfections, over those who view themselves as perfect and lacking any flaws. They are human, like us. In fact, the normal custom is to despise the people who do not and we consider them incapable of human emotions.

I cannot state enough that there are no statistical solutions for socialized problems. What are women, if they don’t have basic things like insecurities and sensitivity in common? We do. They just continuously go unreported.

Posted by  |  February 22, 2011 | Categories: BeautyIsDiverse.com, Random thoughts, Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

Women as Women: A reintroduction.

After talking to my friend of Beauty is Diverse, about several things including her recently being approached by Vogue Italia about diversity in beauty representation, some recent articles circulating the internet, and more, I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to avoid black women being positioned for “maximized otherness” in society, this subject matter could not be more needed.

When I think of all the mass-manufactured products and the multi-billion dollar Beauty Industry, I always wondered, where can we draw the line at women’s self hatred and women being allowed to feel and be desirable? When did black women achieving beauty become intriguing to others, and why are we considered “different” when we do?

Tanning, botox, collagen, anti-aging creams, covering grays, lipstick, spanx, push up bras, slimmers, shapers, supplements, under-eye cream, foundations,and even longer lists of the things women do collectively to enhance/alter our appearance are both a combination of necessary and irrelevant to “womens lives”. And certainly, all of which can be considered self-hating towards age; self-hating towards our bodies; self-hating towards having naturally flat and oily hair that needs “products” like shampoo and mousse daily; self hating to how we’d look if in nature.


Women being women — in our glorious, glamorous, natural, intuitive and intricate design — are widely renown for simply being “experimental”, fashion-forward, and having an innate desire to be desired. Black women, however, participating in many elements of society as “women” are directly routed away to justify our segregation and displacement, to rationalize a well-deserved differentiated treatment among the masses, and expected to collectively accept decreased social value.

So my question has always been, where shall black women go from here?, and of course, to offer solutions as I and others can create them.

It’s good to be back,

Ic0n

Posted by  |  February 19, 2011 | Categories: Future Posts, Self-Discovery | 3 Comments »

Part II Your Basic Tools: Becoming the "Exception to the Rule".

WARNING: THIS POST FEATURES MY PERSONAL OPINIONS. If you object to what I say, please mention some other guidelines of your own. I do not mean to come off as preachy or judgmental, I just believe very few black women give/get tangible advice from other black women about things such as dressing (based on personal experience), dating, success, etc., As I always say, this blog is an effort to create a blog I want to read myself.

 

I welcome those who disagree (in a non defensive and productive way), however, I do not welcome comments claiming I am “dictating” what to wear, say or do (which is not my intent), unless they are backed with some other method of advice. Comments claiming I am teaching black women to “sell out” and focus on “shallow things like appearance” will not be posted. These people can go to the billions of blogs devoted to non-black women and men with ways to dress in order to be successful and relay a certain image. I welcome you to start there.

Hello all, let me say I am extremely sorry for the late entry. I meant to do this one 3 days (a week latest) after the last entry, but I have been traveling and submitting samples etc., I would like to first say that the commentors on Part I of this post summed up my opinions exactly, and part III will be the best quotes from this entry and further “tools”.

Audrey Lorde once said that the “masters tools can never dismantle the masters house”, I agree to a certain degree. But dismantling the “masters house” should and can NEVER be black womens objective.

Black women were put in the impossible tasks of “making the best of the situation” by not taking dehumanizing behavior personally that is literally threatening the survival financially and personally of black women. Black women were told to fight a personal revolution, forget their own need for food and bread, or to “keep waiting” until the system collapses on its own head. In other words, black women are fighting the notion that our humanity is irrelevant.

So I say again, if anyone can prove or propose a solution to black womens circumstances that involves working within the construct they can not help being born into for results, please feel free. Until then, my tactics involve being as unassuming; more able to fluidly move through the system set against black women, based on experience and observation of those who have.

Instead of going by the quote:

“The Masters tools can never be used to dismantle the masters house”

Consider changing it to this philosophy:

“Mastering the masters tools to disarm and move up in the masters house”.

1. Mastering the Masters Art of Being Non-threatening, feminine, and unassuming:

I do not consider myself a stylist IN THE LEAST. I did however major in the arts and have experience with color theory. My mother was a model in her young years and occasionally rocks fashion shows, and still gets compliments wherever we go with her wardrobe. My mother is married to an extremely successful man and has her own business and STILL manages to often shop at thrift shops and consignment shops and has since the 70s. Hand me downs from her closet are the clothes I’ve been complimented on to date.

So my advice is perhaps something that a stylist, hair dresser, or makeup artists will not tell you. It is advice from someone who has picked her brain from years of experience since gradeschool looking at successfully integrated black women, and black women considered desirable by the suburban men I grew up around and society in general. I also have first hand experience with being treated MUCH differently depending on how I am dressed whether in my suburban hometown or not, men walking up to me just talking to me VS. being street harassed MORE often (in pants). Below are some guidelines for black women on dressing in a way that is pretty, yet, unassuming and non-threatening to avoid (when possible) stereotypes and racist/overtly sexual assumptions.

Switch to clothes that are basic (and more than likely cheaper than luxury brands) and/or traditionally feminine. Remember and think “girl next door pretty” and words like “Delicate” over “beautiful black woman” or “strong black woman”. If you dress TOO nice, or too fashion-forward you will pay the unfortunate price of being assumed to be materialistic, standoffish and threatening. It’s not fair, but a reality.

Go through your closet and switch any bag or clothing with visible designer labels or designer “prints” (like burberry plaid or that nine west print). Replace many dark colors with the occasional floral prints, cardigans in a soft color and fabric, neutrals such as cream and pastels over colors like red or black, long flowy skirts or pencil skirts instead of pants. Chiffon material and silk in cream, and pastel colors, etc.,

I am a firm believer in SOME makeup, personally. As an artist my face was often my pallet and I’ve become more subtle with it over the years (it never had anything to do with impressing men). Never let a sales consultant scare you away with her inability to make-up dark skin and makes you look like “fright fest” with purple shadow and magenta colored rouge and lipstick. MOST women acknowledge that they use SOME makeup. Anyone who has an issue with black women wearing makeup is often one of these catty racists or easily threatened women, or one who knows that telling black women to keep it “natural” without effort to be pretty will assure black women are alone and “othered”, while they chase every “made up” non black woman possible. Black women are STILL being told the things “are not for them” are the ones that will often help with their assimilation and desirability.

In terms of makeup, skip the overdone lip liner and eye shadow and instead pick a flattering color of blush (in a flattering warm pink, copper or peach/orange hue). The key is a good one. Skip the over-tweezing into an “angry arch”, not too much eyeshadow if any, or opt for a pinkish/peachy hue that matches your blush. Blush is often something that is beautiful on women in general, but specifically on black women. Consider the following model’s hair, brows, and makeup:

Keep hair soft looking (whatever that means for you personally) but skip anything that makes hair look hard, over-gelled, unnatural, greasy/too shiny, or overdone (elaborate conrows, for example, count as overdone) and change to “slightly” undone and tousled looking, but still feminine (soft curls for example).

An example is that a high tight ponytail pulled back is considered harsh looking in most incidents. A loosely done one with curls or a part down the side is much more feminine. IE:

The below is harsh looking:

Softer variations are:

Regarding the above, you’re trying to remove the stereotype of black women being too hair conscious by practicing grooming, but not in a way that makes whites look “puzzled” by wondering how long it took to achieve your intricately designed hairstyle, or guessing how much it costs.

Lauryn Hill is an example of probably one of the most undeniably beautiful women of our time. But her beauty was overshadowed (in my opinion other than these pictures) by dressing in a way that would for most whites, relay the meaning of unapproachable, political, and hostile. Her career was also threatened by this as well, however Lauryn is incredibly feminine looking in terms of facial features.


NEVER wear fake nails, and if possible avoid bright nail polish in synthetic colors such as barney purple, hot pink, or bright orange. Neutral manicured short to medium length nails (think tinted pale pink, peach, or neutral) are better.

As stated designer clothes and bags give the appearance of materialism for black women and make us appear unapproachable almost exclusively (as is the case for too much gold jewelry). For jewelry small earrings and other accessorries (pearl, silver, etc., all fine) get rid of all over overstated accessories (gold chains, tribal/ethnic/ jewelry). A (feminine) choker alone is ok, a dangling gold chain with gold hopes unfortunately is not. Moderation is key. Gold is more flattering for brown skin tones, but now carries the stigma of materialism. Other than a diamond ring or studs, even FAKE diamonds are not the look you are going for.

This isn’t ALWAYS the case, but consider whether or not natural hair vs straight hair simply looks better on you. I know plenty of non-black women who straighten their hair because it’s simply more flattering for their body type and face than their natural curly hair. Jet black hair also looks more synthetic on some black women if they have a “warm” hue to their skin(despite the fact that it is their natural hair color, some women look better with brown tents to “warm their face”). Blush is one of those things that makes women of any age look youthful and pretty.

Also, the fuller figured you are, the more likely that longer tousled curls or waves looks on you. Halle Berry can wear a short cut because she weighs about 100 pds, and has the cheekbones to pull it off. If you’re curvier, short hair may look more masculine and standoffish on you. There’s a reason why very few (if any) plus sized, curvy or athletically shaped models have short hair. Consider the following looks:


Also, if you’re curvy (ample in the booty) or full figured, NEVER wear tight jeans. If you insist on jeans, make them wideleg/highwasted in a flowy material.

When wearing lipstick, skip anything that has a magenta hue and replace it for something in a more neutral looking hue or stain. Orange-red-burgundy is OK, magenta is not. If your lips naturally have color, a tiny bit of neutral lip gloss. Orange/peach hues look best on milk chocolate skin for example. NEVER COMBINE dramatic eyeshadow with dramatic lips. Rule of thumb is emphasize either the lips, cheeks, or eyes, then use nude-natural colors everywhere else. DO NOT make the mistake of matching eyeshadow with your shirt. It’s considered tacky as is powdery looking makeup in bright colors. Do not wear bright gold lipstick, it makes our lips look like a powdered donut.

If you wear perfume get rid of strong spicy and synthetic scents and replace them with very light floral or vanilla scents.

As a rule of thumb remember to replace all flashy items of clothing with clothes that look cozy (soft fabrics), inexpensive, and delicate. If you absolutely always dress casually consider these looks with preppy being your key word:



Replace shiny high heels with ballet flats or traditional heels in a girly color (if in a bright color, keep the rest of the outfit basic).

The curvier you are, the more likely you will need an a-line skirt or the equivalent longer skirt. You will find that if you are ample in the bottom, you always had to uncomfortably pull up pants when you stood up and skirts/dresses like this cut fit you better and left more to the imagination:

If your business setting is absolutely conservative, consider neutrals as a guideline instead of all black, blue, reds, or multi-patterns:

Keep in mind that society resents and often hates beautiful women. Men and society admires beautiful women from afar, and then punishes them by being threatened by them. Men and society’s value of women are not placed in beauty, but in warmth in women and prettiness. What is the definition of pretty? Average women who take effort in appearance to dress femininely. The conventional use of “pretty” in appearance over exotic, daring, bold, beautiful, and stylish which all reads as UNAPPROACHABLE. Do not make this fatal mistake in love and in life.

I guarantee you that this can be done through going to thrift shops, “flashy” clothes often cost more. I guarantee that incorporating words like “pretty”, “preppy”, and “soft” into keywords for your wardrobe you will look younger and astereotypical. Not only will you look LESS threatening, and therefore, catty racist women cannot employ the “physically threatened because you’re the other” tactic, but men subconsciously want to protect women who appear soft…feminine and pretty. Life is not fair and until it is, I believe we need to consider not rocking the boat on the issue of publicly acceptable appearance. Nonetheless, if we do it is still our personal choice that I 100% support.

Remember that the above is meant to take away every visible stereotype of black women imaginable by making YOU the “exception” to the stereotype, by making YOU appear like the atypical black girl in appearance. Use your best judgement, and post other alternatives and ideas. Any woman who says she’s “never had a problem” being perceived as a stereotype based on how you dress, share your experiences AND tips regarding your personal wardrobe.

Now that I have discussed what I believe are the basic tools in appearance please continue to stay tuned for the follow up.

Posted by  |  August 28, 2010 | Categories: Future Posts | 73 Comments »

>How Assumed Femininity is Used Against Black Women Part I

>

While the behavior or even entertaining sabotaging someone else to me is a foreign concept simply because it’s sociopathic and manipulative at its foundation, the fact is that this a constant scenario for black women. When it comes to real life experiences of black women, we are intentionally disarmed with specific stereotypes that prevent us from challenging the status quo. How many of us grappled with becoming a pushover to refrain from being typecasted as a bitch?

One thing sociologists state and is common knowledge among POCs is that since racism is considered an “action” as opposed to something you need to unlearn in a racist society, we can see actions in terms of patterns, where the person doing the action doesn’t realize that their behavior cannot exist in a vacuum. None of us are individuals in a society. We exist in context. We’re merely different because of how we’ve responded or unlearned our socialization. We’ve engaged in racist actions if we haven’t guarded ourselves through conscious efforts to unlearn them.

Many black women were taught that honesty and “keeping it real” were noble traits when dealing with people, but other women seemed to either learn or pick up through television how their privilege will be protected, and they learned that whiteness made them innocent. Which means they learned how to work this privilege in dealing with black women. It is clear that if honesty as it relates black women were noble, black women wouldn’t be hated for discussing foul behavior.

While I consider myself a baby blogger, when I started blogging, I knew I wanted to partially focus on topics other people were uncomfortable with and observe this behavior using myself as a palette. I realized that many black women were taught not to speak about the subjects that affect them, the demeaning behavior that haunts them, and the vulnerability they face throughout all walks of life. Black women have been silenced about dealing with white female racism out of the belief that since white women are superior and innocent, black women are only mentioning this behavior out of “bitterness” and “anger” because we are jealous that we are not white.

Here’s proof of behavior that many think exists in a vacuum, I googled “White Women crying black women” and a blog post about the subject came up! I must admit to being fairly surprised that such a detailed explanation of this subject matter was written by a male (I am not sure of his race, not that it matters here).

“White women’s tears is one of the main ways White American women have of derailing any talk of racism, particularly their own racism. It is part of a more general pattern of white people making their feelings matter more than the truth…This is more than just a woman using tears to get her way. It is built on a set of White American ideas about race, listed here in no particular order:

* It works best when these two stereotypes can be applied:
o The Sapphire stereotype – black women as mean, angry and disagreeable
o The Pure White Woman stereotype – white women as these special, delicate creatures who need to be protected at all costs
…# Other whites, particularly white men, come to the aid and comfort not of the wronged black woman but of the racist white woman!
# The black woman, the wronged party, is made to seem like the mean one in the eyes of whites.” 

What I see as a spin on this behavior as it relates to using femininity to sabotage black women:


1. Thinly veiled insults about their inherent superiority with a big cheesy grin on their faces and a super sweet voice. Usually these comments involve bragging about how they rank higher than you in the beauty hierarchy, not by merit of attractiveness but by whiteness alone. “oh did you know so and so prefers blond women?” or “how did you get your hair to stay that way? I wish mine didn’t grow so fast” or “oh you know, I saw this stick thin woman last week who went to Paris to model, luckily, you’re more well proportioned than she were”, “ugh I told my boyfriend last week I didn’t want one of those ghetto booties.” (All of these have been said to me in college, by coworkers, supervisors, women in jest).

2. Preening in front of you: throwing their hair around EXTREMELY close to your face intentionally (why?), grabbing their non-white boyfriends arm and making out, instantly wanting to look better in front of you to grab your attention.

3. Your intuition tells you something is wrong, you can see evil in someone’s eyes despite their smiling, and you get the impression that “something’s up”, but you do not know what and when you look suspicious, more sweet comments are directed at you, and more people around you seem suspicious of you. (Super sweet to your face, sabotaging behind your back).

4. Big “boo hoo” crocodile tears when you confront them on areas of sabotage or hostility, knowing that if they cry they will be protected from consequences for their behavior and that society prevents black women from relying on emotions for protection (a crying black woman doesn’t garner empathy, people avoid her because they think she’s crazy).

5. Anthropologizing black women, raging about “the healing properties of melanin”, staring with a puzzled yet resentful look in their face when you do something different regarding your physical appearance, asking about your age in the cattiest way possible: by tying it into magical melanin instead of your health, wanting to touch your hair, and such.

6. Intentionally prying into your personal business with a sweet demeanor, which in turn justifies gossiping and manipulating if you respond, and engaging in hurt-puppyism, victim behavior, etc., in front of others when you do not.

7. Attempting to force you to act like a stereotype by engaging in hurtful behavior in hopes that you get angry, an anger meant to manipulate the situation into their inherent innocence in case they get caught sabotaging you directly or indirectly.

8. Reminding you that your status is lower through any of the above methods in addition to status reducing comments (trying to hook you up with a janitor because you “have a lot in common”, asking you if you have any relatives that may want a housekeeping job, etc.,) recommending that you have casual sex when they themselves want marriage.

THIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT “PETTY”, it is cruel, vicious, and reoccurring. It has costs black women I know personally heartache, grief, loss of livelihood, loss in academia, relationship drama, so on. These are simply the signs. The ultimate outcome is to remove the “threat” (black woman) through sabotaging her to the point that her credibility is overshadowed by stereotypes and she has no defense.

Those who believe dishonesty can never fight dishonesty should create a concrete plan to offer black women who repeatedly go through this behavior throughout their lives, or offer black women protection from dealing with the white female racism that is trivialized or disarming, even when apparent.

Please list your own experiences and opinions. Part II will be my attempt to brainstorm how we can possibly prevent this behavior.

NOT by keeping it real. 

But by playing the game.

Posted by  |  July 29, 2010 | Categories: Future Posts, Politics, Random thoughts | 68 Comments »

>In Defense of Fashion

>

Image From Beauty is Diverse!

“Guess what? According to the standard of beauty currently in place in our culture—namely white, young, thin with long, straight hair, I am not beautiful. Can’t happen. As a rounded black woman with curly hair, the best I can hope for is moderately attractive…I still don’t care about the beauty standard—I don’t even care what it is. I can’t. For me, it is as immutable and unreachable, and thus as meaningless, as the fact that rich people get better lawyers….The standard will change, and as bell-bottoms gave way to leg warmers, it’ll morph into something else…I’ll probably never fit into other groups that society favors, either.”

http://www.newsweek.com/2010/07/19/beauty-is-defined-and-not-by-you.html

My response is: guess what? Going by the mainstream beauty standard, about 0.01% of women fit the “ideal”, and yet, the majority of women try to fit the definition of what’s feminine and beautiful the best they can. It’s not just black women who don’t fit the fashion industry’s narrow definition, when was the last time you opened a fashion magazine and saw an East Asian model?

I think this logic goes into the reason why many black women give up. Not even give up, but refuse to relate to the feminine beauty standard because we’re told we’re different, which for some, is proving synonymous. For years, I ignored the reality that people respond quite differently to me when I’m dressed like a woman (which I often whined and moaned about out of rebellion) and when I wore my brothers slacks and hoodies as a feminist. It was literally the difference between being followed by female associates in stores, and having doors held open for me by men of all races, amongst other things. So by “respond” I don’t mean attention to boost my ego, I mean general respect versus hostility.

Therefore, I do believe her general argument has some merit (particular her discourse on consumerism being the ultimate driving force for beauty, which is not just about whiteness: but about an unattainable image for all women).
I must admit that many(white) feminist boards and sites I’ve visited have responded in anger to airbrushing away things like wrinkles, pounds, and flaws and also mention the need for why bigger, older, and more “normal” looking (white) women should fit into the spectrum of beauty as opposed to eliminating the spectrum altogether or “ignoring it”. We live in the REAL WORLD, and last I checked patriarchy wasn’t going anywhere soon. And most women realize that UNTIL IT DOES, they need to conform to the image of beauty in whatever way they can, and if they cannot, are inspired by the idea that women who look closer to themselves could fit into the spectrum of beauty.

A good (actually GREAT) example of this inability to relate to femininity is the reason I’ve heard many say they don’t read Vogue, assuming they could not relate to the images and mainly white readership. However, while Vogue can have an occasional highly offensive image, to stay away from elite fashion magazines is extremely interesting…since most reality shows, music videos, sitcoms, commercials etc., that feature black women are highly offensive and this has not sponsored a massive boycott of television altogether. For every one offensive ad Vogue does, they feature a variety of women of color in couture, as feminine and desirable, give great style inspiration, luxurious imagery, and black women in classy editorials…

Here are a few images of black women in/on Vogue:








It is Vogue, not Essence, that is ultimately responsible for the career boost of women like Noami Campbell, Alek Wek, etc., who, to be frank, were considered too “dark” and “skinny” for more mainstream black magazines. It is Vogue, not King Magazine or “Black Men Magazine”, to be frank, that pushed global images of black women as able to pull off “posh” and “elite” attire as opposed to EVEN MORE degrading images of black women being nothing more than the focus of shoddy camera angles and a booty shot.

Maybe I’m biased as an Art History major who loves photography, but I’d rather occasionally waste my money on a 3 dollar magazine that’s responsible for elegant style tips, beautiful imagery, and good P.R. for black women globally than a $90 a month cable subscription where I’m going to be bombarded with offensive material over and over again. Pop culture is usually worthless, but it is our choice whether or not we focus on things like magazines and runways shows for their intent: to draw inspiration from out-of-reach materials and use it for personal elements of style.

’til next time,

Icon

Posted by  |  July 24, 2010 | Categories: Ads/Pop Culture, BeautyIsDiverse.com, Random thoughts | 17 Comments »

>Notes on "The Thin Black Girl":

> “So what: I have a little cellulite. What curvy girl doesn’t!?” Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian recently addressed the photoshopped images of her, it proves that the manufacturing of “curvy” in today’s society is about “love your curves”, as long as you have a flat stomach, no cellulite, and are airbrushed thin in spite of them.

. Here’s another great post from Contexts on this issue.

I received this comment the other day

“You women are out of your minds, just because someone is extremely thin doesn’t mean they are healthy. Some black woman are predisposed to weight more than whites and Asians. Please do some research.”

Even when the hourglass was popular in American Cinema, because it was (and still is), considered the epitome of femininity, the othering of black women made OUR curves sexual and immoral but never feminine, OUR obesity asexual and nonthreatening, and OUR thinness invisible. It’s still the case today.


As someone who’s considered overweight based on the scale, I look at all the “extra weight” on my rear end and thighs, and image if that weight were protruding in the same shape on my stomach, arms, and chin. A black woman much like myself, that weighs the same as another woman who DOES distribute the weight on her belly and overall, appears more overweight. I didn’t deny this, and often where we accumulate weight is genetic.

Regardless this does not stop me from occasionally getting down on myself about how I can be in better shape, like YOUR AVERAGE woman across racial lines, I look an the mirror and occasionally go “man, I can do better than this”, all the same.

The fact that black women are believed to have perfect self-esteem due to the convenient ideology that believes so to refuse accepting that we too, are able to process identical human emotions as other women, is part of what this blog is about. It does not change my opinion on why society focuses on MORBIDLY OBESE black women over other women to shape the societal opinion that black women aren’t genetically/culturally/physically feminine women.


My personal choice for ideal body type, Crystal Renn


Crystal Renn became anorexic to become model thin and regained the weight.

If even beautiful women by societal standards such as Kim Kadashian, and 45 million other actresses admit to imperfection and self esteem issues, how can black women, even though we are the farthest from the beauty standard NOT be affected? The answer is that we cannot. I always stated that this blog is about personal discovery, growth, and acknowledging error. It includes pictures of myself to chronicle a journey, it includes images of women I aspire to be, can relate to, and draw inspiration from. It is similar (actually, virtually the same) as the billions of blogs I see daily where women of other races are doing the same thing.

Posted by  |  July 22, 2010 | Categories: Invisible Black Girl series, Random thoughts, Self-Discovery | 5 Comments »

>When "Keeping it Real" Goes Wrong

>Surely I don’t mean to state the obvious, but here are some basic empathy tests of images:

Who would YOU be more likely to empathize with?




“Keep these thoughts in mind too: The benefit of ladyhood is the ability to keep men in their place relative to female sensibilities. Modest femininity earns masculine respect, and men don’t offend ladies they respect. (Of course, psychos and sickos never learned it, which is why they’re psycho and sicko.)…Make yourself ladylike with a more commanding and respect-earning presence. Less feminine doesn’t work. It just makes you a less respectable target for harassers and less attractive for men who may approach innocently.” --Guy, on dealing with street harassment

I realized this when a street harasser made me cry and I saw an empathetic look on people’s faces. I compare this to my desire to go on defense and show anger (which I still do often because of PSTD from dealing with it), and I was considered just as bad as the street harasser was.

Which takes me to the point of this post…

Anonymous comment:

“Some White folks to don’t say don’t straighten your hair because they want you to look as much like them as possible to help them feel comfortable and safe around you. Have any of you ever consider that?”

I chose this comment, although I did not publish it, because what shapes a society is normalizing behaviors and styles to make people within this society comfortable. The selected comment about “making whites comfortable” is proof that black women, more so than other women, are expected to aid in our own othering. Nowhere is this more visible than black women getting the reputation for “telling it like it is”, or “keeping it real” when other women accomplish more for not doing so.

Some examples of women (generally) doing things to make others comfortable in society:

1. Some people are uncomfortable around women who don’t shave their legs, underarms, stray hairs, gray hairs, etc., so women shave.

2. Some people are uncomfortable with women who are rude and scream profanity in public, so women refrain.

3. Some people are uncomfortable when women dress in revealing clothes that draws added attention to their imperfections, so women overwhelmingly keep this in mind when shopping.

4. Some people are uncomfortable when women look angry, harsh, and have aggressive male body language in public, so women take up less space.

People empathize with hurt and tears in a woman, but NEVER anger. A good example of this, in my opinion, is whatever drives the “fake”, catty, and passive aggressive routine I’ve witnessed. I’ve noticed THROUGHOUT my life that even when sabotaging somewhat feminine/threatening black women in particular, the myth of “angry black woman” was used to manipulate the situation into their assumed innocence, and our assumed irrationality. Who gets away with it? The woman who blows up in anger as a result of very real psychological attacks or the one who did everything in their power to make said woman act like a stereotype so that THEY could get what they want effectively? As it stands, anger is viewed as a primitive emotion, and it always works to turn people off to your issue entirely. Crocodile tears with these women I’ve experienced, was their way of getting people to empathize with them, even when they were wrong!

In terms of the othering of black women, I have noticed that some I’ve encountered already know that black women “keeping it real” comes with a heavy price. They also would prefer black women be liberated in small symbolic examples over genuine thought. Freedom from hair straightening therefore takes precedence over freedom from the threat of abusive street harassment and danger, for example. The reality that black women are MUCH quieter about their own circumstances, MUCH less likely to be feminists, MUCH less in control of their own future, and MUCH more ridiculed for not being “naturally” feminine is proof that black women are often more quiet than other women about the issues that matter. It’s just that other women have mastered the art of conforming, and with it, evoking empathy.

Black women do not have the luxury that “keeping it real” allegedly rewards. Sure, we’re excused for this behavior because it’s associated with low class and even “trashy” women but never in the context of true justice for black women as a group. I used to believe that with all the rules for women, it’s amazing that we’re able to be ourselves at all!! And now I’m learning that a woman’s life in patriarchy is a balance between making people comfortable, and finding harmony within herself to do so while not losing who she is. That’s assuming she wants to be successful in everything from selecting mates and jobs to competing for her place on the feminine hierarchy and moving up it.
Fighters do not need empathy or protection from others for being attacked, since fighters can defend themselves.

I cannot stress enough that black women DO conform. Our general circumstances within society and how we’re treated would not be possible if we did not. So why is conforming perceived as a threat only when it involves any issue that works towards the immediate threat (real or imagined) of black women attempting to assimilate?

Posted by  |  July 18, 2010 | Categories: Random thoughts, Self-Discovery | 10 Comments »

>No Such Thing As Black American "Culture" + Prelude to #7

>
“An integrated pattern of human knowledge, belief, and behavior that depends upon the capacity for symbolic thought and social learning.”

I guess the easiest way to put it is that I define culture more in an anthropological sense, and not a sociological sense. Not that the two are mutually exclusive, but anyway.

THIS is how I define the use of “culture”, more so:

“I think multiculturalism has been a very effective way of silencing anti-racist politics in this country. Multiculturalism has allowed for certain communities—people of colour—to be constructed as cultural communities. Their culture is defined in very Orientalist and colonial ways—as static, they will always be that, they have always been that. And culture has now become the only space from which people of colour can actually have participation in national political life; it’s through this discourse of multiculturalism. And what it has done very successfully is it has displaced an anti-racist discourse.”

Dr. Sunera Thobani, of the University of British Columbia, for those under the impression that Canada is “liberal” .

*Please keep in mind that this applies to power in a number of ways. If we replace the words multiculturalism with “black community” and people of color with black women, the same result is the necessity to endorse “culture” and “community” as a method of forcing solidarity, establishing unconscious similarity, and preserving black women as an exploited class within the black community who should “work within” its limits instead of rejecting it due to lack of mutual benefit.*

My definition of a culture is a combination of ALL of the following elements:

1. Shared language.

2. Shared national origin

3. Shared religion

4. Shared history that CREATED shared language, nationality, and religion.

5. Shared society (by that I mean country, island, peninsula etc., with governance, leaders who write or make laws and so forth).

I DO NOT define culture in the following:

1. Shared “experience”, because it doesn’t really exist.

2. Shared “struggle”, because it doesn’t really exist.

3. Shared isolation within a bigger context of society that operates as the primary culture.

4. A union of any of the above combined with another mythical word like “community” or “solidarity” to perpetuate isolation.

5. Shared slang or shared recipes.

6. Shared Stereotypes.

7. Shared Music.

8. Shared ghettos, tenements, project buildings, plantations, clothing tastes, etc.,

9. Strange behavior as a result of privilege within the PRIMARY CULTURE or lack thereof.

In my opinion therefore, black people in America, Canada, England, etc., and other “Western societies” do NOT have a culture, because they share the mainstream culture (religion, language, nationality, social customs) with whites within these countries. What we often refer to as “culture” within the framework of these countries is racial segregation and “othering” in addition to stereotypes and convenient theory (such as the notion of a “strong culture”) to protect/encourage isolation from main culture.

Given my definition of culture, some may ask “then how come people within a given society act in different ways?”, to which my answer is that ROLES are a constant variable in culture throughout human history. And with any society, people absorb the myth of “culture” either because you benefit from the resources/privilege allotted to you within your “culture”, or to feel included in something, because you’re isolated from your own (primary) culture.

Say, this was a time before recorded history… If OUR CULTURE states that men hunt, and women garden, and firstborn children worship the sun, then people often acted out these different roles, despite being of the same culture. In America and the other countries I listed, different “groups” within that culture are given roles to fulfill or perpetuate (stereotypes are also fundamentally roles that serve a purpose). The constant is that it was that THE MAIN CULTURE created the roles, not other cultures within it. And once the main culture challenges roles, people throughout the culture fall in line.

Do we view other countries with a black population (such as the French) as having a “strong black culture”? Ancient Egypt was a class society and feudal Europe had peasants. In both feudal Europe and Ancient Egypt, style, dance, food recipes, etc., were radically different amongst the underclass in relation to the upper class. Do we view these underclass groups in antiquity as held together by a strong culture?

When traveling abroad, people could tell I was American. The way I walk, body language, accent, tone of voice, how I cross my legs, and so forth it turns out were all American gestures. I didn’t realize that while I was here, because here I’m treated as though I come from a separate culture, “black culture”. I also did not realize my behavior made it clear that I was distinctively American, because behavior I never gave a second thought to was “normal” (body language, walk, and so forth). What’s considered “normal” is invisible, like privilege.

For example, when Americans claim foreigners eat spicy food, and that American food is bland, it is because they’re used to American food, which ultimately makes it bland. A foreigner would certainly think Americans use a lot of spices. Even if those spices are mainly flour, salt, and sugar! The food we think has “no flavor” could shock someone senseless who’s not used to it, who will certainly call it ANYTHING but bland.

I bring up the food example I love, because this is how people think of the main (white) culture within the context of any particular society. It is bland, because it is normal and we’re used to it as it’s associated with our primary culture.

As I’ve already discussed briefly in the previous entry that myth of strong black culture endorses the belief that blacks are different and unable to integrate. Black people like existing isolation, or they are happy within their communities, and around each other HAS ALWAYS justified segregation, in fact, it was the main factor in “separate but equal” Jim Crow.


In the next part of the series, I will discuss how class/location (black girls who didn’t grow up within a segregated black community) are often invisibilized and hated because they prove that black culture does not exist outside of the context of racio-economic segregation. Black girls aren’t the first to prove this. But black girls are the focus of this series…

Posted by  |  July 11, 2010 | Categories: Future Posts, Invisible Black Girl series, Politics, Random thoughts | 3 Comments »

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